Following the 2016 election, I am slowly losing my ability to feel surprised by anything anymore, especially how furiously certain people will react to a commercial with a commendably structured anti-toxic masculinity message.

Now, I’m not going to climb up onto a soapbox and claim that this shaving supply commercial is the paragon of what all anti-toxic masculinity media should be. The script arguably does not say anything that I have not heard on a TED-Talk or read in a Roxanne Gay book countless times before. And seeing any corporation jump on the #woke bandwagon after enough consumers have taken up the cause to constitute a new demographic to market to makes my skeptic senses tingle.

But this listicle is not about the moral implications of a commercial that comments on a timely social issue at the height of its social relevance, it’s about the bizarrely vicious backlash against the message the commercial tried to convey. Seriously, what is this that all about?! I finally watched this advert online because I heard whispers of controversy, and what I saw was a pretty creatively shot 2-minute video that basically said, “Hey guys, let’s all teach little boys to not bully each other, and teach our male friends to not make women feel unsafe or objectified! We can do it!”

The message in the “Best a Man Can Get” advert was refreshingly good and awesome—like that song from Frozen before it got overplayed. I was honestly dumbfounded that anyone could possibly be angry at this advert. And because I, like most people, surround myself with friends and coworkers whose worldviews and political leanings are identical to my own, I don’t have a pal that I can just ring up and ask, “Hey, so uh, why do you hate a commercial that basically tells men to…be good to people?”

Fortunately, what I lack in bigoted buddies I can make up for with the Internet! I realize it’s kind of lazy, but through a combination of news research, and memories of some of the macho dude-bros I encountered during my teens and college years, I have constructed a list of the 4 types of people who are all in a tizzy about the Gillette advert. Let’s get on with it, man*.

(*I apologize if that joke sucked).

1. The #NotAllMen Man

The #NotAllMen Man seeks to undermine the message of the Gillette advert, and any other media/person that denounces toxic masculinity, by giving examples of “good men,” namely himself, his best friend, his father, his grandfather, his step uncle and on and on and on.

The #NotAllMen Man might seem like an innocent advocate for all the nice guys out there, but don’t be fooled by his relatively calm vibe and his indoor voice. By responding to a message empowering men to stand against toxic masculinity with examples of “good men,” he’s not expressing concern at the potential negative stereotyping of all men, he’s trying to discredit the message altogether.

When he says, “All men aren’t like that at all, my step uncle is a perfect gentleman,” what he’s trying to do is change the subject away from the issue of toxic masculinity. He’s trying to convince others, and reaffirm to himself, that toxic masculinity does not actually exist, and people who critique toxic masculine behaviors are complaining about an imaginary problem.

The #NotAllMen Man is the same guy who insists that catcalling is a compliment, or thinks that women are too paranoid about being groped in night clubs because he’s never seen a man grope a woman in public before so therefore it must never happen.

The #NotAllMen Man tries to shut down conversations about toxic masculinity before they begin, because such a conversation would force him to confront toxic behaviors that he has tolerated in others and in himself.

2. The Bully

The Bully is all-man. The Bully likes beer because men like beer. The Bully tells women to smile because it makes them look prettier. The Bully did not vote for Hillary Clinton in the 2016 election because he thought she was the candidate that was too unlikeable. The Bully thinks Brett Kavanaugh would be a cool guy to have a beer with. The Bully sends women unsolicited dick pics as a joke. The Bully is a grown-ass man who refuses to learn how to do laundry or wash dishes. And he sure as heck does not ask for directions—not even from Siri because that’s like taking orders from a woman*.

The Bully does not view himself as a bully; he just thinks he’s a man. The Bully is the man who saw the Gillette advert and tweeted that Gillette is trying to shame him (him, personally) for being a man OR that he’s boycotting Gillette until they…apologize?

The Bully is offended by the Gillette advert because to him, the advert demonizes everything that makes a man, a man. The rationale seems to be: If a man cannot interrupt female coworkers in office meetings, catcall women on the street, or sit back and watch as two little boys punch the crud out of each other (boys will be boys), then how can he call himself a man?

According to The Bully, there is simply no other way for a man to be. A man cannot express his manliness by adopting non-toxic traits, like telling little boys to not punch each other.

According to The Bully, what “snowflakes” call toxic masculinity, is just natural behavior that is built into the DNA of all men. Meaning that men are completely incapable of engaging in non-toxic masculine behaviors, so it is unfair to convince men to change their ways and be better humans. Because The Bully thinks this way, he believes he does not have to be accountable for his actions (because he cannot help himself), and people who call out toxic masculine behaviors as problematic are actually saying that all men are problematic (because all men cannot help themselves).

The Bully bases his identity as a man around his toxic masculine traits, so when Gillette made an ad that said, “Toxic masculinity is bad, so do the opposite,” The Bully saw it as an attack on his entire identity and reacted as bullies do, by attacking right back.

For someone who thinks the Gillette ad paints all men in a bad light, it’s guys like the The Bully who truly give men everywhere a bad name.

*Fun fact: I just asked Siri “Are you a girl?” and Siri said, “I don’t have a gender.”

3. The #NotAllMen Woman aka, Serena Joy Lite

The Serena Joy Lite is a mystery to me. A sad, discouraging mystery. Serena Joy Lite probably will not help bring about the downfall of American democracy and replace it with the soul-crushing dystopia of Gilead, but she may see little wrong with the idea.

Serena Joy Lite is like a proxy to the #NotAllMen Man and The Bully. Serena Joy Lite champions toxic masculinity as the underdog in a world that she thinks is becoming “too P.C.” To Serena Joy Lite, the #MeToo movement is a “war on men,” and the Women’s March is a military parade with pink knit hats instead of tanks. Serena Joy Lite fights against the tyranny of feminists who dare tell men stop making women feel unsafe and unheard. Speak out against societal tolerance of toxic masculinity? The nerve!

Serena Joy Lite unironically dances to Chris Brown. She takes the R. Kelly documentary with a grain of salt. She thinks the dozens of women who spoke out against Louis C.K. (and Bill Cosby, and Harvey Weinstein, and #45) are all liars. Serena Joy Lite’s top three catchphrases are: “I’m not a feminist!” and “Why didn’t she report it back then?” and “Why is she reporting it now?”

Serena Joy Lite saw the Gillette advert, took to Twitter and spit out something like: “My son is a GOOD masculine man. And he’s in the army serving his country. And now he’s too scared to even LOOK at a woman without being framed as a ‘sexual predator’ by all these feminists in their pussy hats!”

Serena Joy Lite makes me wish I were exaggerating. Serena Joy Lite is real, and she is everywhere, and she is beyond my comprehension.

It is hard to understand why any woman would take a stand against the well being of all women. Serena Joy Lite reminds us with a metaphorical punch to the stomach, that pervasive tolerance of toxic masculinity can be conditioned into all of us. We can all be indoctrinated into viewing toxic masculinity as normal and acceptable, and any stand against it as an unprovoked attack against all men.

Serena Joy Lite is like a proxy to the #NotAllMen Man and The Bully, only she can do double damage because #NotAllMen Men and Bullies can use Serena Joy Lites to undermine pro-feminist and anti-toxic masculine messages.

For whatever reason, Serena Joy Lite plays devils advocate on the assumption that all men engage in toxic masculinity and no one should ever question that.

They enable men to continue behaving badly, and end up screwing themselves and other women over. Much like the terrifying matriarch on the Handmaid’s Tale, Serena Joy Lites support the preservation of problematic traditional ideas of what it means to be a man. What these women do not understand is that saying men don’t have to be better, doesn’t help anybody. It hurts other women, it hurts men, and hurts all Serena Joy Lites.

And those are the top three types of people who got all huffy over the Gillette advert—in my completely unscientific opinion.  I turn it over to you, dear reader who may have someone in your life who hates the Gillette advert with the passion of a thousand suns (all of which refuse to ask for directions or do laundry).  What other kinds of people straight up hated this advert?  What were their reasons? Feel free to comment below and I’ll see you again in February…omg, Black History Month!! 😀